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Magellan Cruise Review
3.5 / 5.0
Cruise Critic Editor Rating
479 Reviews

Brits need to learn how to complain

Magellan Cruise Review by crucritter

14 people found this helpful
Trip Details
  • Sail Date: Jul 2018
  • Destination: the British Isles & Western Europe

You poor souls, what are you doing to yourselves?!

My family and I went on the Magellan for what should have been a delightful vacation, and instead was what I'll refer to as the "garbage cruise". No, literally, the whole ship smelled like hot, smoky garbage. The whole trip. The drinking water smelled the same.

Also, despite it being summer in the middle of the Mediterranean, the ship was freezing. We literally saw an 80-year old woman leave her room with an inhaler, and when we asked if she'd complained about the lack of heating, she told us, "It's okay, I'm getting off the ship tomorrow." Like, in a stretcher? LOVE YOURSELF.

I know what you're thinking: "Just go outside! Get some fresh air!" Yeah, that would have been great if the entire ship hadn't been overtaken with a youth dance troupe that was (allegedly) invited on the trip. This is despite our booking the cruise to be SPECIFICALLY adults-only. Over a hundred children ran rampant on-board, with absolutely NO supervision from their parents or otherwise. Obviously that meant no pool-space for any adults, even in the adults-only area. When we complained that the adults-only hot tubs were filled with 9-year olds (a health and safety nightmare fyi), CMV had an excellent solution: NO MORE ADULTS-ONLY AREAS! Wow! Such a creative solution!

One evening, my family and I caught a group of preteens left wild climbing around the ship gym, just throwing weights around. Because, you know, safety first.

Okay, so the inside of the ship smells like sewage and the outside is overrun: let's get drunk! Sure, if you're lucky enough to wave down one of the 3 bartenders onboard. Then, if you did get a server, they would just... say no. "I'm too busy." I feel bad for the poor saps who bought drink packages, because you pretty much had to wait an hour per beverage.

Well, thank goodness for the shore excursions! They're overpriced and sort of wobbly, like on most cruises, but getting off the boat was the best part of our journey. The shore excursion team, however, is a rag-tag crew of chain-smokers just looking for a free tour. Props to the gardening lecturer who managed to leave cigarette buds all over Gibralter (despite a literal hundred signs that said 'No Smoking'). Best of all, the shore excursions manager actually joined us on a Beatles tour in Liverpool, and when the tour bus BROKE, it was cut short. While we asked for the tour to be extended, we told the excursions manager that she should be the person vouching for us. "No," she replied. That's it, just "No."

Luckily the Captain was always there to talk to and solve prob-

Just kidding. The Captain was never there. Don't be silly, it's not a real cruise.

So, overall miss and miss. Here are a few other highlights:

-A barely-mobile gentleman was literally asked to LEAVE HIS ROOM because apparently he snored. This dude could barely walk, and CMVs only solution to a snoring complaint was to make him PACK HIS THINGS and sleep in a new cabin. Oh, not stay in a nice new cabin, just sleep there. Apparently they couldn't afford to let him use the new room during the day.

-The entertainment crew dressed a bunch of white people in cotton and had them perform "Summertime" from Porgy and Bess... a song about LITERALLY BEING A COTTON SLAVE. WHO THOUGHT THAT WAS OKAY???

-I found a piece of completely uncooked meat in my stew and was told BY THE CHEF HIMSELF that "most people like it that way."

In fairness, I have to say that the restaurant serving staff and cabin cleaning crew is incredible. They work really hard in really poor conditions and they made our trip much better than it would have otherwise been. Also, with more than a shoestring budget, I think the ship performers could do something really special. They're very talented and deserve better than the karaoke tracks they've been given.

I mean, if you're looking for a terrible experience to bring you closer to your loved ones, this is it. I just don't think it's worth the dough.

crucritter's Full Rating Summary
Onboard Experience
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Cabin Review

Port & Shore Excursion Reviews

Beatles Tour

The tour itself is very good and has an excellent guide. The bus broke down, and we had to fight to get the time back (they were just going to cut it short and not reimburse us), but overall an exciting tour.

View All 38 Beatles Tour Reviews

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