Travel thousands of miles across storm- tossed ocean to cruise the St Lawrence River by night and see all the pretty flashing lights on the navigation aides along the length of the river. Watch burning cinders spewing from the funnel over the decks as we incinerate the on board rubbish and pollute the sea. By day relax on the open decks surrounded by reeking ashtrays, cigarette smoke and crew members varnishing the taffrails and re-caulking the deck under your feet as you queue for chips.

Take a trip ashore in one of our skilfully manned tenders. For your enjoyment we will lose our way in the fog for an hour whilst trying to return to the ship and for thrills re-embark you at midships on the windward side of the vessel for you to experience the 2-metre rise and fall of the swell as you try to get a footing on the landing stage. Break a leg folks!

Dine in our fabulous restaurant and watch as your dinner and long-stemmed wine glass slide gracefully across the table and onto the deck where the glass shatters into a hundred pieces while the waiter pours hot coffee down your neck. Read more