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Travel thousands of miles across storm- tossed ocean to cruise the St Lawrence River by night and see all the pretty flashing lights on the navigation aides along the length of the river. Watch burning cinders spewing from the funnel over the decks as we incinerate the on board rubbish and pollute the sea. By day relax on the open decks surrounded by reeking ashtrays, cigarette smoke and crew members varnishing the taffrails and re-caulking the deck under your feet as you queue for chips. Take a trip ashore in one of our skilfully manned tenders. For your enjoyment we will lose our way in the fog for an hour whilst trying to return to the ship and for thrills re-embark you at midships on the windward side of the vessel for you to experience the 2-metre rise and fall of the swell as you try to get a footing on the landing stage. Break a leg folks! Dine in our fabulous restaurant and watch as your dinner and long-stemmed wine glass slide gracefully across the table and onto the deck where the glass shatters into a hundred pieces while the waiter pours hot coffee down your neck. Have fun in your cabin trying not to cut your feet on the broken glass from the litre glass bottles of water which have slid off the dresser and smashed on the deck, soaking the carpet and your clothes that have been thrown from the open drawers of the dresser. Have fun staggering along the deck and up companionways to reach a toilet because a crew member is in your cabin bathroom replacing and sealing the shower wall. Qualify for NHS hearing aids on your return home by sitting through several of our showtime presentations by our singers. (NB. It is pure conjecture that no whales have ever been seen from the ship because the singers perfectly reproduce the whale alarm call). Finally, watch the Northern Ireland authorities emergency response as we sail into Belfast with the Red Ensign upside down and the Captain, speaking from bridge, teaches the crew some new Russian vocabulary. If you are queueing on a beach awaiting evacuation in the face of a pursuing army then board this vessel. Those are the only circumstances in which this should be done.

Condemned Marine Vessels presents ....Canada by night

Marco Polo Cruise Review by isthereanamethatisnttaken

44 people found this helpful
Trip Details
  • Sail Date: September 2017
  • Destination: Europe
Travel thousands of miles across storm- tossed ocean to cruise the St Lawrence River by night and see all the pretty flashing lights on the navigation aides along the length of the river. Watch burning cinders spewing from the funnel over the decks as we incinerate the on board rubbish and pollute the sea. By day relax on the open decks surrounded by reeking ashtrays, cigarette smoke and crew members varnishing the taffrails and re-caulking the deck under your feet as you queue for chips.

Take a trip ashore in one of our skilfully manned tenders. For your enjoyment we will lose our way in the fog for an hour whilst trying to return to the ship and for thrills re-embark you at midships on the windward side of the vessel for you to experience the 2-metre rise and fall of the swell as you try to get a footing on the landing stage. Break a leg folks!

Dine in our fabulous restaurant and watch as your dinner and long-stemmed wine glass slide gracefully across the table and onto the deck where the glass shatters into a hundred pieces while the waiter pours hot coffee down your neck.

Have fun in your cabin trying not to cut your feet on the broken glass from the litre glass bottles of water which have slid off the dresser and smashed on the deck, soaking the carpet and your clothes that have been thrown from the open drawers of the dresser. Have fun staggering along the deck and up companionways to reach a toilet because a crew member is in your cabin bathroom replacing and sealing the shower wall.

Qualify for NHS hearing aids on your return home by sitting through several of our showtime presentations by our singers. (NB. It is pure conjecture that no whales have ever been seen from the ship because the singers perfectly reproduce the whale alarm call).

Finally, watch the Northern Ireland authorities emergency response as we sail into Belfast with the Red Ensign upside down and the Captain, speaking from bridge, teaches the crew some new Russian vocabulary.

If you are queueing on a beach awaiting evacuation in the face of a pursuing army then board this vessel. Those are the only circumstances in which this should be done.
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