1984 - MEETS - CIRQUE-DE-SO-LAME!: Celebrity Eclipse Cruise Review by NEWBIE954

Celebrity Eclipse 1
Member Since 2012

Overall Member Rating


Sail Date: March 2012
Destination: Eastern Caribbean
Embarkation: Miami
I was very excited about this cruise. I had only ever been on 2 Discovery Cruises to nowhere (gambling 4 hr cruises) before and EVERYone told me we would LOVE this cruise. My Sweetheart is from TX. He had never been on a cruise before in his life.

After this cruise, I think the official motto for this ship should be:


My first clue was the peeling paint at the CELEBRITY X loading area. When we got on board after standing in a HUGE line we were handed (without being asked) glasses of a drink. Mimosas made with cheap champagne, ...bitter. I took one sip and hunted for a place to get rid of it.

We walked around trying to learn the lay of the ship. Sumptuous would describe this 15 story ship.

Things were fine until we went to the theater and saw the 'entertainment'. We went to the 'show' and saw what was could certainly be described as Disney-Mormon-Dancers. It was the most hokey-cheap-bulloney - over the top More TRIPE I have ever seen. Then a girl dressed like a Cirque-De-Sole has-been... Wearing a spandex one piece with fluorescent paint and 9, count them NINE iridescent hula-hoops. After she picked up the first one, I just KNEW she had to work with all 9 before she was done. I looked at my man and told him I'd meet up with him when it was over if he wanted to stay for it. The following 'entertainment' is in no particular order...Johnny Mantra- rock and roll Vegas wannabe has been. Celine Deon impersonator. OMG. BLOODY AWFUL.Spangle mini dress and go-go boots with a phoney Canadian accent. Acapella 4 some, barbershop quartet...WHY? Glass blowing by staffers, NOT artists....OMG, just SHOOT ME! The only thing about the 'hot-glass-show' that was hot are the guests frying in full sun while the first two rows sit in shade.

An Anglo male singing 'Mister BoJangles' while another Anglo male did...I don't know what that was...cartwheels? Sheesh...

We're active people and I frequently go to night clubs and parties where there is dancing. We kept (over the next several days) trying to participate in the scheduled activities. We'd see something of interest on the schedule, and arrive only to be disappointed because the event was hokey-lame boring tripe.

The DJ's at the disco were obviously drawing from a pre-sanitized list of music. No songs with profanity or sexual innuendos. Great, there goes the top 20 list!

"Move It Like Jagger" and "Ohhhh, Sometimes I Get A Feeling" were obviously approved titles which played night after night, not just in the night club but by the pool and at the ports of call. I heard those songs in my head for DAYS after getting home.

Apparently the music list could only include artists-of-color if they were deceased, like Michael Jackson and Sammy Davis Jr.

One night, the Disco was given over to '...Music From the Rat Pack'. Ok fine, but what about the other nights? TRIPE! The DJ played the song, 'I Like Big Butts'. That song has to be 15+ yrs old!

Some people, like me...who wanted desperately to dance, came to the disco and tried to dance every night. The DJ could see we wanted to dance, but played stinkers again and again, so we walked out. I tried every night for 7 nights. Same tripe.

Let's move to the dining experience. Waiters who treat the guests like SENILE INVALIDS. SHOVING seated diners' chairs under the tables, trapping them. Snatching dinner napkins OFF THE TABLES and putting on their laps AGAIN AND AGAIN EVEN AFTER BEING ASKED TO STOP! OMG.

We tried to watch TV in the cabin. The BIGBROTHER stations run round the clock. Two stations which showcase the garbage they have to sell in their gift shops. Worse is the channel given over to the cruise director screaming about the guests who have embarked on a "Celebrity Life Cruise'. BALONEY! The Director was on the intercom throughout the day...then his assistant...the the CAPTAIN. George Orwell...you were right! LOUSY all the way around.

Decided to stay hrs a day in the gym, just to have somewhere to KILL TIME. TWO GYM staffers have a TERRIBLE attitude and appear to HATE the clientele.
I'm a gym-rat and I run 5 days a week. I run 30 mins a day. On the Eclipse the treadmills slow down after 15 mins to 2 mph. VERY aggravating when your trying to run 6 mph. Every time I cranked it up, it would slow down again after 1 minute. Tried to get the staff to explain what was up, the kid told me he had never been on the treadmills so he didn't know. They have spin bikes but you're not allowed to use them unless you pay extra for a class. Even if there is no class, you can't use them.

When the Travel Agent sold us the trip, we were lead to believe it would be relaxing since all fees were included. Yet we were confronted, from the time we left the room to the time we returned with staffers inviting us to buy whatever was not included. It was a constant annoyance. Haranguing for our dollars which only got worse at the ports of call by the locals.

We are a romantic couple and enjoy alone time, but were continually interrupted by staff and other guests who were intrusive and presumed we wanted to bond.

It seems Celebrity cruises are for people who have not been exposed to Theatre, Modern Cultural events or music or access to food on a regular basis. The comedian was delightful and the only real fun on this cruise. NEVER AGAIN!

$17 for a travel umbrella at the CVS across from the ship at the port in PR during a light rain, so we declined. Prices everywhere were so inflated and I saw nothing that I couldn't get for less in the U.S., except rum.

We did the "Big Banana" tour on St Kitts for $15 each and that was nice, plus a bargain. El Morro in Old San Juan was something no one should miss. St Maarten had the same stock in just about every store. Nothing of interest.

The stress from the ship's staff and the islander's relentless hawking for sales made a boring trip aggravating. Couldn't wait to get home and escape from the SPAM-FEST.

Next time, I'll try the 'party' cruise line that co workers have raved about. Less

Published 04/24/12

Cabin review: 111196 Inside Stateroom

the cabin was bigger than I expected. bathroom was adequate with a surprising amount of good hot water on demand. public bathrooms were great...I washed my hands with hot water 2X before each meal and after each meal... the gym staff tried to shake hands when I went there the first day. some female who was trying to sell spa services. WHY would I ever shake anyone's hand on a cruise ship? I don't want to get norovirus. The second day we got a letter sent to all passangers about people on board who had already been diagnosed with norovirus. I can't imagine why...

Read All Inside Stateroom (11) Reviews >>

Port and Shore Excursions

El Morro was great. We walked around and had dinner in Old San Juan. Everyone spoke English, which was nice. Prices were extra inflated and we just were not going to get ripped off just because we were tourists.
Read 2975 San Juan Reviews

Island tour

Safe and informative, but at one point he took us to see the view of the volcanic rocks while on a plateau. This area had push cart merchants waiting to sell us more junk. Plus that, in an open field, two donkey were tied to stakes in the middle of the day and the blazing heat with no shade, food or water. I will never forget the suffering of those two animals.

relentless hawking...could not get a minute of peace

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