Cruise From Home in 10 Easy Steps

May 3, 2012 | By | 17 Comments

Unless you live on a cruise ship, you likely spend more time wishing you were at sea than actually being there. To combat this landlubbin’ malaise, we’ve come up with a surefire recipe for replicating the cruise ship experience in your own home.
Need that cruise ship fix before your next sailing? Follow these 10 easy steps.
Step 1: Move your bed into the walk-in closet for a week.
Step 2: Limit yourself to one suitcase of clothing. If you forget to pack clean underwear, too bad. Hide a bottle of wine in your bag; if anyone notices it, you have to give it up (bonus points for creating a “naughty room”).
Step 3: Set up an inflatable pool in your backyard, and surround it with lounge chairs. Cover the lounge chairs with other people’s towels, and prowl around them angrily looking for one that’s free.
Step 4: Once you’ve found a lounge chair (there was one available on your roof), begin consuming umbrella drinks while listening to a CD of steel drum music.
Step 5: Hire neighborhood children to clean your bathroom, change your bedding and make you breakfast for a week. (Pay them in ice cream from your rented 24-hour soft-serve machine.)
Step 6: Complain about the kids lounging on your stairs and taking over your inflatable pool (see step 5).
Step 7: Get a used version of Trivial Pursuit, and have rabid competitions for prizes like key chains and pens.
Step 8: Eat lunch every day at an all-you-can-eat buffet like Old Country Buffet, Fresh Choice or Sizzler. At night, dress up and go out to eat at Applebee’s or TGI Friday’s. Make snarky comments about the attire of anyone who eats dinner with or near you. (Depending on your cruise style, you should either dine at the same restaurant at the same time every night or choose a different venue every night at a time you prefer.)
Step 9: Volunteer your living room for the local school’s nightly show choir practice.
Step 10: Roll in the nearest mud puddle, wrap yourself in tinfoil, and have your significant other/a neighbor/a random person off the street massage you while intoning about body toxins. You get bonus points if your ad hoc masseuse tries to sell you something at the end of your massage.
By Ashley Kosciolek and Erica Silverstein
What else would you do to bring the cruise life to your everyday life? Share your ideas in the comments.
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    17 Responses to “Cruise From Home in 10 Easy Steps”

    1. Brian
      May 3rd, 2012 @ 6:04 pm

      Have ten or more jewelry vendors set up stands just outside your front door.

    2. Scott
      May 4th, 2012 @ 9:42 am

      Lets not forget, you should invite about 300 people over to stand in line at your doorway the morning you start this \vacation\, and you have to wait for all of them so you can check-in to your on-shore-cruise.

      And when your week is over, have some uniformed guards ask you crazy customs questions looking for illegal things you might be smuggling.

    3. Barbara
      May 4th, 2012 @ 12:02 pm

      Have someone slam your patio doors open and shut at random hours of the day and night.

    4. Alex
      May 4th, 2012 @ 12:14 pm

      Put anything from $10-20 aside per person per day for a tip !
      Throw everything from your liquor cabinet ( beer included) away and order in your beverage one at a time…. don’t forget about doing the same thing to your soda !

    5. Stephanie
      May 4th, 2012 @ 12:21 pm

      Towel Animals!!! And put some leftover holiday candy on your pillows every night. Play loud music of different varieties in every room of your house. Host Karaoke several times a day. Invite same neighborhood kids to run around your house soaking wet dropping food along the way. Have the local pizza place on 24 hour stand by. Only drink from wine glasses or a festive cup that looks like a coconut or ship. Sit on your porch and read a book sipping a drink pretending the sound of the cars on the highway are really the sound of the waves crashing against the ship. Go to lunch in an oversized robe and flip flops. Use an old card to gain access to your bedroom and to pay for everything. Don’t clean up after yourself at all. Or better yet, book another cruise and start counting down the days…that would be 108 for me!

    6. Jdix
      May 4th, 2012 @ 4:39 pm

      Invite the neighbors over to hangout on your back yard deck to wave goodbye….while music is blaring loudly over your speaker system. The following songs must be in heavy rotation:
      \Celebration\, \Cupid Shuffle\, \Electric Slide\, \Party Rock Anthem\, \I’m Sexy & I Know It\, \Margaritaville\, and \Hot Hot Hot\ (add to the list as necessary).

    7. David
      May 4th, 2012 @ 4:42 pm

      8: At Applebees, move your table next to another one so that you are eating with 6 people you don’t know.

    8. Jan Brandvold
      May 4th, 2012 @ 6:47 pm

      Invite your friends who smoke to play Blackjack and chain smoke in a room that you must walk through to get wherever you are going!

    9. Gina
      May 5th, 2012 @ 9:10 am

      Hire some local teens to run up and down your hallway at random intervals beginning at 10pm.

      Install a loudspeaker on your toilet, and your neighbors’ toilets, so each can be heard flushing all the way down the block.

      Hire a British person to come every morning and announce your daily schedule over a speaker system.

    10. Linda S. Knopke
      May 5th, 2012 @ 7:27 pm

      Invite your friends over and sing and dance to YMCA while in your best 70’s outfits as you play the not-so-NEWLYWED GAME followed by a rousing round of BINGO that you will never stand a chance of winning, tell a bunch of silly CRUISE JOKES and top it all off with a PIZZA, SOFT ICE CREAM/YOGURT and a BAHAMA MAMA! When your friends depart for the evening, don’t forget to have them fill out their COMMENT CARDS and drop them in your mailbox.

    11. M Robertson
      May 9th, 2012 @ 1:52 pm

      Throw a towel over your kids pet rabbit and make it lie at the end of your bed. Those old bottles of perfume you have never wanted to use because they smell off well open them up and pour them down your shower drain and wash hand basin. Use chickory coffee and slightly damp biscuits for your nightcap supper – you will think you are back on board sailing the seven seas!

    12. John D'Amico
      May 9th, 2012 @ 3:50 pm

      Every time you leave the house, pose for a photo in front of a ship’s wheel, phony pirate, Indians, etc. Then after dinner keep the same photographer busy shooting you in your dinner clothes.

    13. Wil
      May 10th, 2012 @ 8:02 am

      Whenever you need to go from one room to the other, step outside, and walk around the entire block before going in that room.

      Install a stair master in every room, and do a 5 minute workout when ever you walk in.

      On the first and last day of your “At Home Cruise”, go everywhere as above, with a carry-on suitecase loaded with 30 pounds of miscelaneous items you will never use.

      Take two rubber balls, and slice them each in half. Glue two halves to the bottoms of each of your sandals or flipflops, and walk everwhere in them.

    14. John Indorf
      May 18th, 2012 @ 4:09 pm

      Call you contractor and have him modify your current shower space to allow for a 30 inch width. Use the shower gel and shampoo you took home from your last cruise until you run out and then go on another cruise.

    15. bigorange&crimsoncruiser
      May 18th, 2012 @ 10:46 pm

      1st Have a sailaway party. Stand on your front porch with a fruity umbrella drink in hand and wave to everyone passing by.

      Have your kids fix coffee and pastries and have them bring them to you on your back porch every morning at 7:45.

      Take a nap at 9 pm, so you can get up and eat again at midnight outside by your blow up pool! :) Bon Voyage Y’all!

    16. Linda
      May 18th, 2012 @ 11:04 pm

      You all have some funny comments… But I was really hoping for some easy tiPs on cheap remodels and deco ideas so I could capture that indescribably wonderful feeling of watching the wake while I sat at the back of the ship on the deck and enjoyed my coffee. … Even chicory coffee tastes good then….

    17. Loretta
      September 10th, 2014 @ 3:05 pm

      This was really hilarious. Enjoyed all the clever comments.

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