Who are the "Friends of Dorothy" anyway? And why does this mysterious lady seem to be popular enough to have friends onboard so many cruises today? Amid the jumble of special interest groups listed in ships' daily programs -- from singles to card clubs to even Alcoholics Anonymous' "Friends of Bill" -- the appearance on any onboard schedule of a Friends of Dorothy (abbreviated as FOD) gathering is a sign that the cruise line and/or the cruise director is open-minded and progressive. That's because FOD meetings are informal gatherings for gay and lesbian passengers to meet and mingle.
Dorothy's Debut
FOD meetings began popping up on some ships' daily programs sporadically at first, dependent on the vagaries of the cruise lines' changing policies and the whims of individual cruise directors. But just as gays and lesbians have gained more acceptance and visibility in mainstream America and in the media (from "Will & Grace" to "Queer Eye For the Straight Guy"), these meetings began appearing with more regularity. In fact, some lines have even instituted semi-official policies to host and publicize these meetings on as many of their ships as possible.
The evolution of the term "Friends of Dorothy," however, reaches back a half a century or more. Gay historians say that the term came into popular use in the 1950's as gays and lesbians developed a special connection with Judy Garland, whose ballads of hope and despair and whose relentless spirit, and tragic history, mirrored their struggles in everyday life. She wasn't the first diva or drama queen, but certainly the one who resonated the most to a generation of gays and lesbians. Garland's most famous role -- as the ever-optimistic and wistful Dorothy in the 1939 classic "The Wizard of Oz" -- gave gays and lesbians a "secret" code word which they could use to refer to themselves. At cocktail parties or company gatherings where one could not be comfortably "out and proud," gays would inquire discreetly of each other, "Are you a 'Friend of Dorothy?'" The wink-wink admission of "I am, too!" would likely lead to fabulous and fast bonding in an age when gay bars were clandestine, and in some cases dangerous.
Today, the term is used mostly by Baby Boomers and an older generation of gays and lesbians; the gay members of MTV kids and Generations X and Y would probably not recognize the meaning of "FOD" unless they learned it from some older friends!
Dorothy & The Cruise Arena
Despite any generational gaps, the term FOD now appears on some ships' daily programs -- but by no means is it represented by the majority and there's no guarantee you'll see one when you step onboard. Cruise directors hold the keys to the (official) social kingdom, and they can decide to add or withdraw the meetings at any time, at their discretion.
This is, of course, due in part to the necessity of prioritizing among numerous other meetings and special requests from new groups or travel agents, plus juggling company policy, and of course, enforcing their own personal whims! These whims don't necessarily have a rhyme or reason, either. While some cruise directors are gay or lesbian themselves and probably would love to facilitate "Friends of Dorothy" gatherings onboard, they are sometimes shackled by conservative company policies, or it just doesn't feel right for that particular cruise.
After surveying the major cruise lines, we've discovered cruise lines are divided into three groups with regard to FOD meeting policies:
The most open and accessible group -- the larger lines such as Norwegian Cruise Line, Carnival and Princess Cruises -- will include FOD meetings on most of their ships and are actively moving towards a consistent policy on all of them. Jim, a regular NCL cruiser, reports, "There was a FOD meeting every night on the Norwegian Sun at the Champagne bar. My friends and I took it over!" Gay-favorite Carnival plans to roll out the FOD meetings in all of their ships by the end of 2005, even on shorter itineraries, says Aly Bello-Cabreriza of the Carnival Public Relations department. On the Caribbean Princess, one Toronto gay man heaped special praise on cruise director James Lay, who scheduled two "Rainbow/GLBT Get Togethers" (GLBT stands for Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender so no one will get confused), complete with free champagne and a ship social host. Not surprisingly, these lines that host regular FOD meetings are known for being very gay-friendly. Their company management has made serious statements about the huge value of the gay cruising dollar (there are gays and lesbians onboard almost every "mainstream" cruise today, in increasingly large numbers).
The second group of cruise lines is slightly more conservative when it comes to meetings and will generally hold the FOD gatherings upon passenger request; large popular lines like Holland America, Celebrity Cruises and Royal Caribbean generally fall into this category. Taking these lines doesn't mean they are less gay-friendly than others (or that you won't see an FOD meeting scheduled without asking); it's just that they haven't seen the full value of offering these meetings on a consistent basis. One gay Celebrity couple reports no FOD meeting onboard (they didn't ask for one), yet the waiters in the main restaurant serenaded them and brought a cake to help them celebrate their anniversary.
What happened on a Caribbean cruise on HAL's Zuiderdam, however, illustrates the sticky and maddeningly unpredictable nature of FOD meetings. One gay passenger -- who was traveling alone -- sent a nice note on the first day of the voyage to request from cruise director Pete Clingan a FOD meeting. Clingan told him that per Holland America's "new corporate policy," they could no longer host or publicize FOD meetings. He did offer to put together a private meeting in a public room, but, again, would not publicize it. Short-sighted homophobia rearing its ugly head?
After posting questions on Cruise Critic's Gay & Lesbian Cruisers forum, the disappointed passenger learned that his experience on Holland America may have been unusual. Other gay past cruisers on Holland America report having no problems scheduling FOD meetings on the Westerdam, Maasdam, and even the Zuiderdam -- which means this episode may have been the result of a "newbie" cruise director making excuses for, get this, a policy that did not exist. When interviewed, the management of Holland America emphasized that the individual cruise directors do have the power to schedule or cancel meetings, but there is no official company policy against holding FOD meetings. In fact, Holland America, like the other cruise lines in this second group, says they're moving towards more formal policies that will ultimately promote meetings on more of its ships. Other gay Cruise Critic members report seeing FOD meetings on some Holland America ships; it's only a matter of time before the majority of the lines in the second group move up to the first group.
The final group in our survey consists of the ultra-premium luxury lines like Regent Seven Seas, Crystal, Seabourn, Sea Dream, Silversea Cruises, Oceania Cruises, and Cunard that, because of their small size, rarely feel the necessity of offering FOD meetings. That's because you're bound to run into most fellow cruisers over and over, instead of losing the one gay guy you wanted to meet inside the bowels of a 3,000-plus-passenger behemoth.
Another way to cope with the absence of an FOD meeting is by attending the Captain's Reception or sail-away party, where gay passengers can usually suss out fellow gay passengers easily using well-honed "gaydar" (matching tuxedos or silver rings are a dead giveaway!). Typical of all, they strive to create a "floating five-star experience that is inclusive of everyone." Andrew Poulton, Director of Public Relations for Regent Seven Seas, re-iterated this philosophy by stating, "We treat all guests as VIP's, regardless of their sexual orientation." This translates into an atmosphere of class and elegance, with sophisticated passengers who prize discretion. Yet there are exceptions in this third group: popular Cruise Director Barry Hopkins, who served on the Seven Seas Voyager and Seven Seas Mariner, makes sure to host a few FOD meetings onboard every one of his sailings. Cunard's Queen Mary 2 hosts FOD meetings during all Atlantic crossings and cruises.
Gay passengers should bear in mind that the categorization of cruise lines into the three groups above is not hard and fast; the FOD meetings are dynamic entities, and as mentioned before, can vary greatly depending on the ship, itinerary and cruise director. A ship may host three FOD meetings one week, but a new cruise director on the next week's identical cruise (with near-identical passenger make-up) may choose to cancel them. An example of this unpredictability comes from one gay couple, who reported they requested FOD meetings several times in pre-departure correspondence with Royal Caribbean's management, but were told "no" repeatedly. However, once onboard the Navigator of the Seas, the couple sent a friendly note to the cruise director re-iterating their request and, voila, four consecutive FOD meetings were scheduled! Alternatively, a ship may list many FOD meetings in their programs, but the crew and staff may turn out to be less friendly than on a ship with no FOD meetings at all; the meetings are not surefire indicators of how comfortable gay or lesbian couples will feel onboard during the entire cruise.
Taking Initiative & Caveats
If you don't see an FOD meeting scheduled on the first or second night onboard and you want to meet some new gay friends, ask for one! Make your request known to the cruise director and social staff early on. Bear in mind that the length of the cruise (shorter voyages may result in less leeway in scheduling meetings), as well as how port-intensive the itinerary is (less sea time equals less time for gatherings in general), can affect whether you'll enjoy an FOD meeting (or two) onboard. Also remember that on many mainstream ships today, you might encounter small or large groups of gay travelers on vacation together or as part of an affinity group organized by a travel agency or gay tour company; the more gays who are onboard, the more leverage you have in convincing the reluctant cruise director to host one for you. In most cases, all you have to do is ask!
Hangin' With Dorothy
So, what exactly happens at these touted FOD meetings? Disco music and inebriated men swinging from the chandeliers? (Whoops ... that was the last wedding I went to.) It's typically a very casual and sedate cocktail party at one of the ship's bars or public rooms, sometimes with hosted cocktails and a member of the ship's social staff (or better yet, the cruise director in person) on hand to provide social lubrication. The time is usually prior to or during cocktail hour (although Tim Donovan, a cruise director on Princess' Grand Princess, inexplicably scheduled his one FOD meeting at 9:30 p.m. on the voyage's last formal night, despite repeated passenger requests to plan one earlier, probably proving that subtle homophobia still exists on the high seas).
Conversation among the assembled gay and lesbian passengers will be about ... anything. Since there are fewer of us on the planet, the "six degrees" game is more likely to lead to shared connections and common friends. "It's always fun to find out about gay life in places like Alabama," one Californian fan of FOD meetings reports. As budding friendships are struck, many gay passengers make plans to join some of their new acquaintances for dinner at open-seating tables or take shore excursions together.
Hey, this is exactly what other passengers do.
Ideally, the cruise director will offer the FOD meeting early in the cruise and on more than one day, to give everyone who wants to attend more options. The biggest complaint from frequent gay cruisers is that turnout is often sparse; maybe it's the gay twenty-somethings not recognizing this somewhat dated "Dorothy" code language (GLBT is explicit and clear). Or perhaps an occasion in which the real friends of passenger Dorothy Smith turn up en masse and crash a fabulous gay party!
In fact, many FOD meetings do attract all sorts of curious looky-loos, married couples or party-hard women who have that certain "queer eye" for fabulous fun -- the more the merrier! Some gay couples -- especially those in the fifty-plus generation -- may avoid the meetings entirely, not wanting other passengers to "label" them as a couple, unlike more proudly out younger gays. "I don't need any gay meetings," replied one half of a gay professional couple that cruises at least once a year.
Another reason for sparse turnout is that gay passengers onboard may have forgotten about the meeting in the midst of a competing seminar (or the beckoning waters of the pool). Some couples report organizing their own private FOD parties in their staterooms for select friends -- and some lucky new acquaintances they've made onboard. After all, just because you're both gay doesn't mean you have much in common with some stranger you've just met.
Beyond Dorothy
On some ships, certain bars or locations have already gained a strong "gay following" without any encouragement or planned FOD meetings at all. The origins of these gay-claimed spaces is murky sometimes. (Did someone seed way too many enthusiastic posts on the gay board of CruiseCritic.com?). Nevertheless, ship hot spots such as as Cunard's Queen Mary 2's Commodore Club (affectionately dubbed "Commodorothy" -- another homage to Ms. Garland's most revered role) or the men's whirlpool in the spa on the Norwegian Dawn can reliably boast being gay-worthy on cruise after cruise.
Bottom Line?
The availability and frequency of Friends of Dorothy meetings onboard ships are progressing in a positive direction alongside greater acceptance and tolerance toward gays and lesbians in mainstream society. It's still unpredictable on many ships, but at least there are leaders in the industry such as NCL, Carnival and Princess. FOD meetings are by no means the end-all; on the small luxury ships like Regent, Silversea, SeaDream or Crystal, not having the meetings doesn't mean you won't have just as much fun or meet as many gay compatriots on your own. In the near future, more and more cruise lines will turn these no-brainer meetings into regular, consistent events. And to paraphrase Dorothy herself, perhaps someday, somewhere, over the rainbow ... FOD meetings on every ship?
--by Stan Wu. In addition to writing about cruising trends in the burgeoning gay and lesbian market for Cruise Critic, Los Angeles-based Wu is also the travel editor of westhollywood.com and Metrosource Magazine.
Who are the "Friends of Dorothy" anyway? And why does this mysterious lady seem to be popular enough to have friends onboard so many cruises today? Amid the jumble of special interest groups listed in ships' daily programs -- from singles to card clubs to even Alcoholics Anonymous' "Friends of Bill" -- the appearance on any onboard schedule of a Friends of Dorothy (abbreviated as FOD) gathering is a sign that the cruise line and/or the cruise director is open-minded and progressive. That's because FOD meetings are informal gatherings for gay and lesbian passengers to meet and mingle.
The most open and accessible group -- the larger lines such as 
